A Little Bit of Self Clarity

I have learned a lot about myself since September 24th and I need to put it down somewhere so that someday I can look back and remember how far I have made it. This is post for us, for me, and for you. It is celebrating growth and mourning who I was because unfortunately/fortunately she is gone.

I was a mess and a child. I had forgot parts of who I was because I was scared of being alone. I loved intensely, but also cut people off intensely. Everything was drastic and then I waited for someone to rescue me from the hot mess I had created. I wasn't carrying my half of relationships. I was so anxiously attached that I ended up pushing people away.

Unfortunately, that left me exactly where I was afraid of: alone.

Except I wasn't alone. I had incredible friends and family who have showed up for me everyday. I have people who hype me up and my students who show me that even when I want to be alone I can't be. I have me. I only have to be attached to me, but I have many awesome people who I love correctly. I have people who teach me to love correctly and to be open.

I have been on a journey of self discovery and have found things that I really like about me. I like that I am a lot more healthy. It makes me like my body and feel comfortable in my skin. I like the workouts I do now because it is just for me to feel comfortable with the fact that there is a scale in my house. I like that I don't step on said scale multiple times a day. I like that I have built routines for myself that are life giving instead of being complacent in life. I like that I am cutting out unnecessary toxins in my household, but not minimizing the ease of life or the little joys. I like that I am creating balance for myself.

I have spent so much time in my bible and talking with God. I keep making the joke that my neighbors think that I am crazy because I talk out loud, but no one answers. In truth, God has been working so many miracles in my life and answers me all the time. I like that I am starting two bible studies. I like that I start my morning with getting into the word everyday and setting up the habit for a year of learning what God wants me to hear. I like that I am doing a devotional about love, so that when God answers my biggest prayer, I am a better partner who is focused first on my faith and then on my partner. I like that I can be vulnerable and be in constant prayer as I grow. I am not alone.

I mostly like, even love, that I am still here for you. I am glad that it is you and I want you to know that I am not going anywhere even as we go through this process. I love that the world feels safer because you are in it and that I am able to continue to chose you. I love that I found my person--love and best friend wrapped into one--and I love that I believe that love is good. I love that I see these things we have been going through as a part of the journey instead of the destination because wherever I end up in life, you made me better.

My dear, darling reader, the past few weeks the most important thing that I go back to again and again is don't give up. Don't give up on yourself. You are incredible. It might take going through some darkness, but I know there is a super secure person on the other side. Do the scary thing...say the scary thing. It is better to do that than leave with regret. The more that I put myself out there and know that people are judging my highs and lows, the more that I know that it doesn't matter. At the end of the day the only judgement will come from the person on the other side of the mirror. Put everything out there because if nothing else, you can look back on where you've been and smile at your growth, no matter how small.

Love you big,

Adelaide

P.S. this is a dress that has been in the back of my closet for a super long time that I was afraid to try on for a long time and lowkey love it!