Reframing and Refining

Since the breakup, I have tried everything to distract my emotions from what I am actually feeling. As much as I hat to admit it, I am still a lot of times not okay. I want to be and I am embarrassed that two months later, I am still crying over someone who doesn't want me. I sit at home praying for a sign from God that we are meant to be and he is already dating for all I know. I can't talk to my family or friends really about this because they are all in long term marriages and I feel lonely...so if you relate to anything I just said, know you aren't alone.

But if I have learned anything since September, is that it gets a little less dark if you reframe your mindset and refine your life.

In a last ditch effort to try to get the man I love back, right after he dumped me, I got both of us a couples devotional book. I know that it seems crazy to be completing a relationship book as a newly single person, but it has helped me so much. I have really had to reflect on all my relationships, not just this breakup. I discovered that I wasn't a good partner in so many areas (and because I am a forever hopeless romantic, I have hope to reconnect and be a better one some day) and needed to grow as an individual. I have also been able to analyze my role as a friend and become so much better of one. I have learned how to take care of those around me and matured so much. I have been able to pour into others as much as they have poured into me.

I have spent a lot of time also doing a yearly bible study. If you have been wondering about the daily verse(s) story, its because that is what I read that day. I use it as a reminder to keep my focus on God and really meditate on the verse. Because I am alone, I spend most of my time now in prayer. It fills the void in a way I never thought I needed. I saw a thing on instagram a few weeks ago that said to keep praying for that one person because you might be the only one praying for them, so I do. It lets me feel connected despite the separation and has taught me how to genuinely lift up others from afar.

Being single has redirected my energy to reconnecting with my faith. I can see the reason that I had to be alone. I needed to be in my friends' lives as they went through difficult periods. I know that I was too wrapped up in my relationship for too long and wasn't being a good support network. God's plan was for me to be available to my friends in a way that I was not open to.

I have changed my daily life to be physically and emotionally healthier. I have set boundaries with my job. I have created an uplifting routine where I unplug a lot more. I workout every day to release stress. I have even honed in on the skincare routine that makes me feel good looking in the mirror and am even using sunscreen daily to ensure that I am saving my skin. I have found time for hobbies and found time to relax. I have cleaned out my closet, my home, my anxiety. If you know me, you know how big this is, but I have been caught up on laundry and been at peace with folding it same day.

I am grateful for the past two months for helping me figure out who I am in this phase of life. I am someone who believes, who hopes, who evolves. I am someone who is growing into a better version of myself and I am much more okay with the unknown. I get to take time to figure out how to be okay being single, but not alone. I have been reading a lot about growing where you are planted instead of forcing yourself into gardens that aren't best for you. I am in my growing phase.

The background of this fall was the sounds of Noah Kahan and I would highly encourage listening to his music to feel less alone. So I will leave you, my dear reader, with a few lyrics from a song that I have listened to a lot over the past two months,

Medicate, meditate, save your soul for Jesus

Throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason

Don't wanna drive another mile without knowin' you're breathin'

So, won't you stay, won't you stay, won't you stay with me?

Don't let this darkness fool you

All lights turned off can be turned on

I'll drive, I'll drive all night

I'll call your mom

Love you big,

Adelaide